I am still so confused as to how to approach things in a healthy manner with our kids birth mom. To be honest, I really do like her and I wish we could be friends to some aspect (meaning for the kids sake).
I know that she is feeling bad about what she said to Quynsie and I want to validate those feelings. I am sure she does feel bad, she was not prepared for Quynsie to ask some pretty tough questions.
I also want to validate Quynsie and the rest of the kids, they are still hurting and angry. Nadia thinks that every time she gets mad or gets in trouble she can just go to the grocery store and pick a new mommy. I am sure those feelings come from losing one mom and trying to see how far she can push me to see if I will leave. (Yes, the kids still blame themselves in the situation. They think if they would have been better behaved, then my birth parents wouldn't have left us and so on).

I wish someone would give me a handbook on how to proceed with building a healthy relationship between us, the kids and their birth family because I feel like I am failing and we just begun the dialogue with birth mom.

I honestly don't know where she is at mental health wise and so it is hard to make decisions when she lives in a different state and we only text from time to time.

We have never asked the kids to stop loving their birth family, in fact we tell them all of the time that they should love them and that their birth parents love them very much.
And for whatever reason, they felt like they were being backed into a wall and didn't think they could get out of this dark hole so they let the kids go.

We will always have great love for them, after all they have given us 4 amazing gifts in this life. My kids mean everything to me and all I want for them is to be happy and be successful in life and make something for themselves.