Rough day today for a couple of the kids.

Carson was a handful at school today. His teacher said that it has been the worst day so far for the school year.

I think part of it was talking about birth mom yesterday and then therapy was the other part.

For Raven it has everything to do with birth mom.

She wrote a letter to her last night and wanted me to send it to her.

This morning, I sent birth mom a message asking if it would be ok to take a picture of said letter and send it to her. Her response...

"right now is not a good time .. I have to much going on"

 

My response...

 

I guess I just don't understand. I don't mean to be harsh but When are you going stop thinking of just you and your feelings and think of the kids and their feelings? All they want is to be validated and know that you love them and put them first. I had to rock Carson to sleep last night reassuring him that you love him, but does he believe me? No!!!! Because you aren't putting forth the effort. Joe and I don't have to allow these kids to have any type of contact with you period but we put the kids first and have been trying to make an effort but your responses have made us rethink things. Don't you worry I will show raven your message and she is going to cry and ask why doesn't she love me? Why does she keep disappointing me? I'm done trying to connect with you for the kids. I'm not going to force them to talk about you I'm not going to reassure them anymore because I'm not sure if you really do care like I thought you did. I can't go on lying to these kids when I don't have a freaking clue how you feel except that now isn't a good time because apparently your too busy for them.

 

Raven's response to this was exactly what I thought it would be. She asked why can't she love me and why does she keep disappointing me?

I had to respond with, I don't know Raven, I don't have the answers because I can't get them. Now is the time for you to process this all in therapy and its time to accept that you may never get the answers you are looking for.

 

Once again our kids have been let down by their birth mom. It breaks my heart that after almost 4 years of not having contact with them, that she doesn't seem to want to have that contact, but at LEAST I TRIED!!! These kids are amazing kids. Despite what they have been through, they are strong and will get past this hurtle just like others in their past. We have gone so long without melt downs over birth parents that it was overwhelming to have 3 out of the 4 having a meltdown over it again. We have been so careful respecting Raven's wishes about not wanting to talk about it, but last night she came to us with a letter asking for us to send it to her.

Again, no matter how hard it was for us to allow our children get hurt once again, we had to allow that freedom for her to learn on her own that things have not changed and they may never change. These kids don't believe us when we say things about their birth parents (GOOD OR BAD), they want to hear it from them.

 

 

In other news, I got my hair cut and colored again today. I think, the fact that I am in my mid 30's now and have been a mom for 4 years, it has set in that I just don't have the time for long hair and the maintenance that it requires. All of the brushing I had to do during the day to keep it from being tangled was just crazy, so back to the stacked A line I went. I am not sure what I love about this hair cut, but I love it on me and I love it on Raven.

I have kicked into full mommy mode and got the mommy hair cut.

 

Before                                                                After

 

I only had some bleach put into my hair today. All of that red tint, that is my natural tint and so is the wavy hair. Normally, it is not that curly, but I had it in a messy bun and that made it even more curly than it normally is.

 

My sister cut my hair and colored it. She told me that her car was smoking and so I went out with her to look at it before I went home. I didn't want to leave her stranded. Anyway, I lifted the hood and looked at the antifreeze and it was completely empty. I asked her when the last time her husband checked it and she said that he filled it yesterday. I went and grabbed some bottled water out of my van and poured it in her's but it was leaking as fast as it was being poured in. I told her that I would follow her home and we ended up stopping half way there and put 3 more bottles of water in, just to get her home.

I have decided that my dad failed to teach her how to check the fluids in her car because she had no clue what I was talking about and that's why I went and looked at it. She just doesn't want to learn how I guess.

 

I also paid off some big bills that we had. Most of it was money we spent on the house and then I paid our regular bills that were due like our city bill and car payment. Lots of money went out of the bank account today. It really sucks when that happens, but it will be nice not having to make those payments anymore.

 

Anyway, like I said, it has been a very interesting day.