Raven and Carson both had Dr. appointments today. Raven for her stitches and Carson for a med check. Our appointment was at 9:00am and we sat there for about 20 minutes when they finally told us that he was delivering a baby and we could either see one of the other doctors or nurse practitioner or we could sit and wait. I chose to sit and wait because I had already had enough with other doctors. I wanted to see the man that I knew and trusted and who has been our family doctor for about 8 years now. I am so thankful for a doctor who is so caring and personable. Had I not been able to text his personal phone 10 days ago, I would have not known how to make an appointment with his office without going through the call center. I now know how to talk to his office directly. An amazing man he is.

He was the one that took the stitches out personally, he didn't just put the butterfly stitches on, he glued them on. They are to stay on there for 14 days. She is not to knock her leg on anything, no climbing trees, no running around, not jumping on the trampoline no soaking (tub or swimming), and no rough housing. She is to keep it wrapped with the ace wrap at all times unless taking a shower. I am so much happier with the way it turned out this time. I don't think she is going to have that bad of a scar.

This afternoon while coming back from dropping Quynsie off at a really good friends house to earn some money, Carson said flying cars were popular in the 1980s. Um I don't remember flying cars in my childhood.

Oh boy!!!! Why do little sisters think they have to do everything the older sisters are doing? Nadia got to go to her friends house on Tuesday all day and today Raven was at her friends house (Yes it is a mutual friend in the ward that is right between both Raven and Nadia's age) but because Nadia goes to her friends house all of the time by herself I felt that Raven deserved to go play without her younger sister tagging along this time. Nadia just about lost it. Yes, this friend is someone who likes playing with both girls and this family has a little boy that is 4 that Carson likes to go play with as well, but sometimes, the kids need their own space away from home.

I keep having people ask me about how Raven is doing in therapy...

I need to be better about updating on those things.

We are finally getting somewhere. We switched different counseling centers all together and she has been opening up a lot more not just with her therapist, but us as her parents. I feel so bad that she has been holding it all in for the past 3 years but it was not from the lack of trying. She just had to get to rock bottom and make the choice. We tell her all of the time that she can choose to be miserable and alone for the rest of her life, or she can choose to lighten the load and get it off her chest. This past weekend she had a huge meltdown about some cat that she used to have and she says it was the only thing that she had that loved her back and let her hold onto. Breaks my heart every time I would hear her say that. We keep reminding her that all we want is for her to be happy, healthy and a contributing member of society. So on Tuesday when she had therapy her therapist had her give the cat a goodbye funeral and let her say whatever it was that she wanted to say and now it is time to make new memories and break down her wall and let us in to love her, comfort her and be there for her. She has had a different personality and glow about her since then. She hasn't used a nasty tone while talking to me and she has been so much nicer to her siblings especially her brother.

So that is where we are at this point. She is a great kid and it has been so hard to break down her walls. I can't say as I blame her. She lacks confidence and has a low self esteem because she has always felt abandoned and rejected. She has felt unloved and unwanted. She doesn't know how to deal with the fact that she is so wanted more than anything. We love her so much. We will do anything for her and her siblings. We longed to be parents for so long and I know eventually she will come to realize how much she is loved and wanted, but until then, we just have to keep telling her over and over.

From what I am understanding from the kids, they were never told anything positive about her birth dad Travis. We have been building a great relationship with him since Christmas and I have to say, that this man LOVES his daughter. He wants to be a part of her life so bad and he is being so patient and allowing us to gradually introduce that to Raven. We don't want to rush things because there is always that chance of disappointment and as parents we tend to want to protect our kids from that kind of stuff.

I have made several attempts to make contact with birth mom in the last couple of months along with her parents, but to this day I have not heard anything from them. I am done trying. I have records of these attempts and our kids will always know that we made the effort, but at some point, you just put it behind you and move on. We are at that point, we are ready to move on and close that door. We will always have a special place in our hearts for their birth mom, but at this point, she is not showing us that she is in a better healthier place, and so at this point, we are leaving it in God's hands and whatever he has in store for us, he will lead and guide us.

As for Nadia and Carson's birth dad, Nadia wants nothing to do with him. She always says that "he never came to visits and that makes me sad. He didn't care enough about us when he had a chance so I don't want anything to do with him now".

 It is sad for an 8 year old to feel that way, but the truth is, she does feel that way. Carson doesn't know anything different than Joe and I being his parents. He has memories, but only from what his sisters have told him. He doesn't actually remember what they look like and one day we were going through our scrapbook and there was a picture of her with all of the kids and I asked him who it was, his response was I don't know. He remembers living with Aunt Nina, but not his birth mom. We have told him her name many times, but every time you ask him what it is, he will say I don't remember. I don't have any pictures of Carson and Nadia's birth dad because he never showed up to visits, so it is hard to show and remind him of who he is. And I am not sure now is the time to be bringing it up. He is in a good place right now and I would like to keep it that way for now.