Finally got the kids chore charts hung on the wall. I put them at the end of the hall so that they would be out of the way and for the most part out of sight so we don't have to stare at  them all of the time.

 

 

Joe's phone for some reason took red/pink pictures when he took these.

 

 

Look he fixed his camera!!!

Quynsie was at a friends house while this was going on.

 

Quynsie was supposed to have a late night with her friend, but she got caught on the internet while at her friends.

We have a rule that there is to be no internet while at friends houses or while friends are at our house. There is just too much liability if something was to happen. I also can't trust that the kids friends parents are watching what is going on.

Anyway, she had been responsible all day texting me and asking if she could do certain things that involved the internet and I kept saying no because I was not wavering from our rule. Then I am not sure what she was thinking when her and her friend got on her friends facebook page and decided to send me a friend request. We don't allow our kids to have a facebook page until they are 18. Ummm if you are at your friends house and on their facebook book page, I am sure it is not wise to send your parents a friend request.

I immediately called her and told her I was coming to pick her up and explained why. She was really mad. When I got to her friends house they were sitting out on the porch waiting for me. Quynsie was crying and cried the whole way home and for another 45 minutes once we got home. I didn't yell at her, I simply asked what the heck she was thinking. She said she wasn't.

She doesn't even have internet access on her phone because I was afraid of things like this happening. If she wants to get on the internet, she can do so on our computer where I can monitor it.

I hope she has learned her lesson as well. Do not get on the internet at friends houses because mom will always find out.

 

Raven has been self harming again. She is making sores all over her arms and legs. She has told us the reason she is doing it is because she is angry at her birth mom and she hates her freckles and does not want to look like her birth mom. She keeps saying she does not understand how her birth mom could just so easily walk away from them and not care. When we tell her that she is worth our time and that she is capable of so much in her life, her response is "why should I believe that I am worth it when I wasn't worth it to my birth mom? All I keep hearing in my head is her telling me that I am not worth it!" We asked her if she believed us when we said that she is worth it, her answer again was "no, why should I?" "Why didn't she get rid of us sooner? Why did she makes us suffer so long?"

 

This completely breaks our hearts. We hate seeing her hurting and so angry. I often wonder how people can do these harmful things to their children. Why couldn't they admit a long time ago that they couldn't parent and let them go. So much heartache could have been avoided for these innocent children who did not ask to be born into this harsh world.

 

We have always told the kids when they say things negative towards their birth mom that we have no doubt that she loves them, but the drugs are talking and they are taking over her thoughts and actions and so she is not capable of showing them that she loves them. Unless and until she is sober, these kids are not going to believe anything she has to say to them. They feel abandoned, lied to, can't trust anyone, hurt and angry.

I hope and pray everyday that she will clean up and want to explain herself to these kids, but right now, the kids are not ready to hear it. They are so vulnerable. They need to process and understand that it is the drugs controlling her life and that is why she is making the decisions she is making. They need to know that more likely than not, if she was not on drugs, she would be a great mom. She could have been a great mom.

 

I saw so much potential in the kids birth mom and I wanted to be her mentor and guide her in the right direction, but she could not put down her walls and let me in. I wanted to be her friend, I wanted to have an open adoption with her, but again, she was not willing to follow our rules and expectations. There was a lack of boundaries.

 

We told Raven tonight that instead of being mad and hating her birth mom, maybe she should pray for her and pray to Heavenly Father that she is safe and that she can get the help that she needs, whatever that may be.

 

I am trying so hard to keep what little love I have for their birth mom in my heart, but it is getting so much harder as the days go on and the more things that come out of our 10 year olds mouth. We love their birth mom because she is our kids birth mom, but dang I am really struggling right now with my feelings towards her.