I hate the fact that we have to even do this but what choice do we have? I am exhausted trying to maintain this relationship with the kids birth mom's family and not getting any reward out of it. It has been 3 years since we adopted our kids and we have not even made it past the awkward sporadic text messaging back and forth. It is not my job to search them out. I should not have to beg them to have a relationship with us or the kids. In fact, by law, we are not even required to have any type of contact. Joe and I were trying to get to that point, but it just did not work out.

I do have to say that at the very least, we have been so open and honest with the kids about the whole situation that they will never look at us and ask us why we didn't try and if they did, we will be able to show them all of the text messages, emails and this blog to prove that we did really try. We tried really hard, but you just can't fix stupid.

Yes, that seems harsh, but you know what, if I was in their position, I would be doing everything in my power to be apart of their lives. I would not be alienating the adoptive parents that is for sure.

 

When we first started this process 8 years ago, we always knew that we wanted to have an open adoption. That was our hope and dreams. We were in hopes that our kids would have the best of both worlds. Yes, that would have been more likely had we adopted a new born, but we didn't. We adopted children that were older and we do not regret that decision by any means, but I wish I would have had more information on how to handle the birth family of these older children and then I could have made a more educated decision from the beginning. I never imagined that it would be this hard. It just breaks my heart. I am crying as I am typing this because it hurts so bad to have to write the following letter.

 

Dear Barb and Jim,

Before I get into this whole issue of contact I want to say I can only imagine how hard this has been on all of you but my main focus is on the kids and their feelings so after some great consideration we talked to the kids and got their opinions and feelings about the situation. The following is how we came to our decision:

 

Raven said "why should I like Barb and Jim? They lied to me and they didn't protect me they didn't take care of me or I would still be with them"
She also told us that the reason she is afraid to tell us her feelings is because her birth family would hit her when she would try to voice them.  She said she is also extremely afraid of you guys including Roxanne and Raymon because of that.
(I don't know what is true but this is what she is saying and I have no choice but to believe her because she is my daughter)

 

Nadia feels like you all abandoned them.

 

Quynsie hates seeing her sisters hurting but she did say that she wishes you all would have tried harder and she thinks Roxanne is in her own words "a bitch".

 

Carson just gave us a simple no when asked if he wanted to talk to you.

 

So our decision is to stop all contact at this time. We may be able to revisit this decision later but at this point this is the decision we have made.

 

The kids deserve to be able to make that decision and to take back their lives.  They want to move on.  They only want a relationship with those who have put their own feelings aside and thought about the kids and their feelings. They don't like that you have not consistently stayed in contact and when we try to talk to you about it you always say things like we have been busy or we are depressed that we don't have the kids in our lives or whatever.  They are tied of the excuses. Joe and I are tired of the excuses.  If you were that depressed or concerned about not having them in your life you would have stayed in contact more often. 

 

I also did not appreciate Karie getting involved in the conversation the other day.  It had nothing to do with her. I have talked to her about it and I think we have cleared the air that way but I wanted to let you know that I felt it was disrespectful.  Joe and I are in charge of this process and we make the rules.  We have tried to build a relationship with you but we feel it has only been one sided.  It has gotten exhausting trying to make excuses for why you don't stay in contact to the kids. We are just needing to honor the kids and their wishes and so that means no more contact.

Brea and Joe