Today has been a rough day emotionally.

We have known for about a month and a half that Quynsie has wanted to commit suicide and she is in therapy for it. To begin with, she only wanted to take pills or at least that is what she was telling us. Then last week at therapy, I found out that it was much worse than that. She actually wants to cut herself. Her anxiety is so high that she can't even function. Anyway, today I had a doctor appointment and I decided to take her with me. I wanted to see if we could either change her medication or up her dose so that we can work with the anxiety. The doctor told us to up her does for now and come back next week for a follow up. He also talked to Quynsie pretty seriously and told her how selfish she was being for wanting to leave this world. He talked about a kid in Africa that doesn't have a family, food or a place to live, but that kid was the happiest kid because he just loved life.

Quynsie made a comment at the doctors office about a conversation she had with her dad last night that I didn't know happened. In this conversation Joe told her that if she left this world, then there would be a good chance divorce would be in the works and her siblings may be split up again. He was trying to tell her what possibly could happen through that big of a tragedy. It destroys lives.

Anyway, Quynsie did not convey the conversation exactly how it was meant to be and she came out and said that if things got worse, then her dad and I would get divorced, so I went through the day thinking I had done something wrong and missed something in how mine and Joe's relationship was going. I thought we were at the best place we have ever been. I tried to call Joe right after the appointment to talk to him, but he didn't answer and he never called me back. I finally tried calling him again a few hours later and he answered. I wasn't able to talk to him about it because Quynsie was sitting right there. I had to wait until he got home in order for me to talk to him about it.

In the end, Quynsie didn't get it out the way it was actually meant to be said. It was meant to get her to think about all of the lives that would be affected and the negative effects that result from this.

 

Joe and I are just fine and no I didn't miss anything. We are completely in LOVE and HAPPY and again in the best place we have ever been. It took many years to come to an equal understanding of how we both pictured a marriage being, but we are there and I don't see that changing ever. I think the longer we have been married, the stronger our marriage gets.

 

Anyway, I have a letter I am working on for Quynsie. I am hoping that I will have it finished in the next day or so that I can share it with you.

We are very hopeful that Quynsie is more understanding as to how it would ruin everyone's lives. I just wish she could see her worth like we see it and more importantly, how our Heavenly Father sees her. She is so important to so many people. She is so loved and very much wanted in our family. She is a great kid and I just hope that she will eventually come to see that. We want to help her be the best her that she can be.

 

On the way home from school today, Carson said, "When I get a dirt bike, Papa can teach me how to ride so that I don't crash."

 

Um, buddy, I think we are in trouble with you. You are a dare devil and I have no doubt you would be jumping off of things on that thing pretty fast. You are going to give your mama a heart attack and put me in an early grave. He has already given me a few close calls while riding his bike, scooter and skateboard. He doesn't watch for cars and when he is riding his bike, he looks behind him. He thinks he needs to see where he has been instead of where he is going. He also does not watch what he is doing while running. He just can't slow his brain down enough to focus and make better choices.